The following is a simulation of the possible exchange in the upcoming Third Democratic Primary Debate. The presenters of this evening's education are "Desperate Housewife" Felicity Huffman and the most interesting man in the world.
Felicity HuffmanMany of you have expressed interest in government-funded tuition fees. What plans do you have to make education more accessible? College is unreasonably expensive. It cost me tuition, $ 15,000 in bribes, four months in jail, and a $ 20,000 fine. How did you get the colleges to pay you?
Elizabeth Warren: First, I want to thank the academies, which means the 19 colleges and universities that each donated more than $ 10,000 for my campaign. And all because I'm pushing a free college platform that puts more government money right in their pockets. I have a long, complicated plan that taxes only the majority of the country.
Joe Biden: Thanks for that question. Since Barack and I worked together, I have been working for equal access to education. Do you remember Obama and how much do you love him? I know that I have not yet officially published a plan, but it will come out very soon. And if it looks shocking like my competitors' plans, it's just a coincidence.
Pete Buttigeig: I do not think that a universally state-funded college is the right option. We should not get taxpayers to finance the education of wealthy children. Instead, we should open up public universities for low-income students. However, in the light of Senator Warren's talk about donations, I would like to point out that Notre Dame has not made any donations to my campaign in my town of South Bend, which I mean by not being true Christians there.
Andrew Yang: I find it interesting that universities donate to candidates whose policies directly benefit them financially. Instead of being bought by the universities, I turn off the middleman. I offer to buy the votes of all Americans for $ 1,000 a month.
Bernie Sanders: I'm angry at how expensive the college is and that the upper class has gathered all the resources. You can recognize my hand movements, which are becoming increasingly unpredictable. Education is a fundamental human right; Like everything else, I want the government to pay for it.
The most interesting man in the world: I hear a lot of discussion about taxpayers paying all tuition fees, but no one is discussing providing money for other university-related expenses, such as beer. So will you provide funding for alcohol? Stay thirsty, my friends.
Bernie Sanders: I am a big proponent of beer. In my state of Vermont, there are most craft breweries per capita in the US. All of this alcohol means they are drunk during the Senate elections. That's why they always vote me back in the Senate.
Andrew Yang: The US accounts for only 17 percent of global beer consumption. We pretend that we are 100 percent. While we have to supply American students with beer, we also have to look at China, which consumes almost twice as much beer as we do. At $ 1,000 a month, students were also able to buy their own beer.
Elizabeth Warren: In January, I drank a beer on Instagram to prove I'm hip and assignable. My forced authenticity attempts are as real as my protests that I am a capitalist and my Native American heritage.
Pete Buttigeig: I think we should also focus on public education in all these lectures on higher education. My husband is a teacher and I am a big proponent of public education, so these subjects are very important to me.
Cory Booker: Did not you go to preschool? And did not your husband teach at a private school?
Kamala Harris: I agree that education is extremely important. That's why I prosecuted parents of pregnant children, even if that hit the poor families disproportionately. I am particularly proud of the time when I accused a homeless mother of three children who had two jobs to look after their children.
Cory Booker: Unlike my Democrat colleagues, I am in favor of choosing a school, have signed a bill for a private school voucher program and have been supporting charter schools for a long time. But I am also a big proponent of public schools. You can believe me. Ignore the fact that every third child in Newark, where I was mayor, attends a charter school. Now that Iowa is on the rise, the charter laws are offensive and horrible. Except in Newark.
Bernie Sanders: Charter schools must be stopped! As president, I will ban for-profit charter schools, and I still have the false impression that presidents can do that.
Marianne Williamson: Under-education is oppression and we have to combat this oppression. I suggest adding New Age teachings to the curriculum. I have 13 suggestions for books I've written, and healing crystals for the school nurses.
After the commercial break, candidates will address issues such as China, gun violence, abortion and health care.
Paulina Enck is an intern at Federalist and currently a student at Georgetown University at the School of Foreign Service. Follow her on Twitter @itspaulinaenck
Photo Democratic Presidential Candidates from Left to Right, Author Marianne Williamson, Former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper, Entrepreneur Andrew Yang, Mayor of South Bend, Pete Buttigieg, Former Vice President Joe Biden, Senator Bernie Sanders, Senator Kamala Harris, D-Calif., Senator Kristen Gillibrand, D-NY. Former Colorado Senator Michael Bennet and MP Eric Swalwell, D-Calif. During the Democratic primary debate hosted by NBC News at the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts in Miami on June 27, 2019, they raise their hands when asked if they would provide health care for undocumented immigrants. (AP Photo / Wilfredo Lee)