Mating is always a complicated affair, both here on our small and humid islands of hate, and on the alternative television reality that is Love Island.
The tensions in the ITV2 show are palpable as always; painful emotional immaturity to be observed. Love Island it is the game of pairings, hopeful singles who seek “the one”, but with greater intensity. After all, there is a £ 50,000 prize pool and a couple of years of list D celebrities before the nervous breakdown. In the meantime, maybe they’ll have a week or two I’m a celebrity. Get me out of here; a place for guests The Chase; an apparition in Southwark Crown Court accused of contempt after a misunderstanding in a night club …
The empty and otherwise forgettable Something Flack has been replaced by Laura Someone. Otherwise the “winter series” is more or less the same: elegant villa, champagne, wonderful but strangely unsexy young people who make clods in swimsuits.
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Anyway, I’ve already decided who my favorite was Love Islander is: Siannise Fudge. She is a 25-year-old Bristol beauty consultant (which means nothing exactly). His name sounds like one of the few things left for which you can still be prosecuted under Britain’s obscenity laws. He claims to love his unusual name because “it makes me feel truly unique”, which is quite true, but it would be even more unique, if I forgave the expression, if he married someone called Barr or Baker or Finger and chose to spell their married surname.
It happens, “I absolutely don’t like fondant”, and still prefers the nickname “Princess Jasmine”.
For now, Fudgie is stuck with the builder Nas Majeed, whom she has expressly rejected based on her gaudy shorts (rather than her content), and also because she is literally too short for her. Maybe he should have covered half of his torso in tattoos, because that’s what Callum did, and he managed to pull Shaughna smoothly. Shaughna works as an officer of democratic services – something to do with the local council and parliamentarians. Apparently he wants someone with whom he “can watch the news.” Well, God knows what she and Callum will do now that the Labor leadership race is starting.
Mike, in his tropical two-piece, was a footballer and is now a police officer. He is paired with Leanne, but would prefer, he suspects, to be disturbed by The Twins – Eve and Jess Gale. Eve and Jess are VIP students and hostesses and, inevitably, blondes. I think Mike feels like they are a package, a kind of get-one-free buy-one offer. In due course, I am confident that it will be informed by BOGOF itself.
The island of love that I like least is the wealthy heir Ollie, who has recently been in the newspapers to shoot stupid animals, which is quite ironic when you meet him. The girl who was forced to join him – blonde singer Paige Turley – immediately tried to download him for a coffee bean seller (not an understatement) named Connor. Connor tells us that he flew to Thailand because he saw something on the web about getting whiter teeth, but he returned with a drop like Princess Anne. Well spent money, Connor, well spent money.
Whenever I write something Love Island, I get comments like, “If you hate it so much why do you watch it?” Obviously, the obvious answer to this is that I’m employed to review bad television, and if someone didn’t pay me to bear it obviously I wouldn’t be watching it Love Island. What is your excuse?
Love Island continues every evening at 9:00 pm on ITV2