The Saudi royal family does not want to be associated with Manchester United

Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman of Saudi Arabia has expressed his horror that he should be associated with the draconian, oppressive Manchester United government.

There are reports that the Saudi royal family, which is estimated to be worth £ 850bn, is considering a United takeover – but House Saud has firmly suppressed such speculation.

"The Saudi royal family wants to distance themselves from any ties to Jose Mourinho and his despotic regime," said a spokesman for Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman FourFourTwo,

"Frankly, we feel insulted that anyone could believe that we are engaging in a tyrannical leader who rages out of fear and hates every denial of opposition brutally and without remorse.

"The idea that we would risk the universally revered name of House Saud and its cuddly reputation by teaming up with this special one and its potato-headed usury chief [Ed Woodward] is ridiculous. "

#FreePogba

The Saudi spokesman also criticized United's human rights record, insisting that capturing players against their wishes constitutes a "grave violation" of international law.

"We urge Manchester United to stop the inhumane treatment of [Paul Pogba] immediately and dismiss him [Real Madrid]The speaker continued.

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"It's hard to believe the international community is willing to stay quiet just because they do not want to lose their good business relationships [Manchester United],

"Nobody should suffer as much as Pogba, as he is not sure if in a minute he could be persuaded to go into Brighton as an outsider, just to prove a point."

At the time of publication, Ed Woodward was on his way to the Saudi consulate to smooth things out and was expected home, beautiful and safe, and perfectly punctual.

Please note: this story is satirical. Obviously.

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